Written by: Kristen Jowers, M.S., and Nichole Huff, Ph.D, CFLE
Financial secrecy, whether it’s hidden debt, undisclosed spending, or secret savings, can be a source of conflict in relationships, creating rifts that spill into financial and therapeutic counseling sessions. When couples avoid discussing money or start keeping financial secrets, the consequences can have ripple effects in other areas of their relationship. During a recent AFCPE Symposium presentation (McWhorter Keamo, 2025), many attendees raised their hands when asked if they had worked with clients affected by financial infidelity. Financial secrecy is not just a private issue; it shows up in counseling offices and financial planning conversations.
What drives these behaviors, and how can service providers help couples navigate financial secrecy?
Definitions and Interventions
Money secrets can also be described as financial deception, a lack of transparency, or financial infidelity. Definitions vary, but many include intentional withholding of financial information from a partner who expects honesty (Canale et al., 2015; Garbinsky et al., 2019). Some individuals view financial infidelity as equally damaging as emotional or sexual infidelity.
Understanding financial infidelity is nuanced. Without formal definitions or standardized interventions, service providers may assume treatment mirrors other forms of infidelity (Warach et al., 2024) or feel unsure how to proceed. Many financial professionals and therapists receive little formal education on the topic (McWhorter Keamo, 2025), making peer learning essential. Because a provider’s own money history can shape how they discuss financial infidelity (McWhorter Keamo, 2025), collaboration between financial and therapeutic professionals is crucial to ensure holistic care.
But understanding definitions is only part of the picture. Financial secrecy also shows up in a variety of everyday behaviors.
Examples of Secretive Money Behaviors
Jeanfreau et al. (2018) outline fourteen common behaviors that signal financial secrecy. These include pretending new purchases are old, claiming something was on sale when it wasn’t, hiding receipts or statements, and withdrawing money from savings without informing a partner. Other examples include opening new credit cards without a partner’s knowledge, keeping entire accounts secret, concealing raises or bonuses, gambling in secret, or lying about the cost of purchases. In the most serious cases, individuals may even file for bankruptcy without telling their partner.
Intention
For military couples, financial secrecy can look different, and it may not always be intentional. For example, getting an unexpected windfall from a tax return while a service member is deployed, or receiving an inheritance notification by mail to a former address/duty station. Intentionally failing to disclose these financial matters could look like putting that tax return or inheritance in a secret, separate account. However, having separate bank accounts or splitting who manages the finances does not make a couple more or less likely to experience financial infidelity (Jeanfreau et al., 2018). Military families may also see financial roles shift during deployments or major transitions, such as permanent change-of-station moves.
Motivation
Some motivations behind financial secrecy include a desire for privacy, wanting control over one’s own money, or simply preferring not to share financial details. Others may feel embarrassment or shame about their habits or avoid money discussions to prevent conflict.
Financial secrets don’t have to be intentional to have an impact. Whether rooted in shame, guilt, avoidance, or shifting financial roles, secrecy around money can strain trust and spill over into other areas of individual and couple well-being. For service providers, recognizing these dynamics can open the door to more productive, compassionate conversations about money and relationships.
While financial infidelity is one way these challenges may surface, many couples need support building healthier communication and shared financial expectations. For additional insight into how financial attitudes and behaviors shape relationship satisfaction, explore the OneOp blog, Military Couples and Money.
Service providers looking to strengthen their work with couples during times of change may also benefit from the OneOp webinar Supporting Military Couples Through Employment and Financial Transitions, which takes a holistic approach to navigating employment shifts, financial strain, and shared decision-making.
References
- Canale, A., Archuleta, K.L., & Klontz, B.T. (2015). Money Disorders. In B. Klontz, S. Britt & K. Archuleta (Eds.), Financial therapy: Theory, research, and practice. (pp.35-67). New York: Springer.
- Garbinsky, E. N., Gladstone, J. J., Nikolova, H., & Olson, J. G. (2019). Love, lies, and money: Financial infidelity in romantic relationships. Journal of Consumer Research, 0, 1-24. https://doi.org/10.1093/jcr/ucz052
- Jeanfreau, M., Noguchi, K., Mong, M. (2018). Financial Infidelity in Couple Relationships. Journal of Financial Therapy. https://newprairiepress.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1159&context=jft
- Mong, M., Stadthagen, H., Noguchi, K. (2021). When Your Partner Cheats: Financial Infidelity in Committed Couples. Journal of Financial Therapy. https://newprairiepress.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1248&context=jft
- McWhorter Keamo, A. (2025, November 19). Treating financial infidelity: What we know and how to help [Conference presentation]. Association for Financial Counseling and Planning Education, Glendale, AZ.
- Warach, B., Bornstein, R. F., Gorman, B. S., & Moyer, A. (2024). The current state of affairs in infidelity research: A systematic review and meta‐analysis of romantic infidelity prevalence and its moderators. Personal Relationships, 31(4), 1001–1026. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12571
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