Written by: Kristen Jowers, M.S., and Nichole Huff, Ph.D, CFLE
This blog is a part of the Financial Shame blog series. Part one, Defining Financial Shame and How it Impacts Financial Hardship defines shame in a financial context, and describes the financial shame cycle. Part two introduces strategies that service providers can use with military families to break the cycle.
Intervening with Shame
There are very few interventions that have been designed with the reduction of shame in mind and even fewer aim to minimize financial shame. Goffnett et al. (2020), identify Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness as the most common interventions for general shame reduction. Carelock et al. (2022) recognize service providers (financial practitioners, therapists, coaches, and counselors) as being uniquely positioned to break the shame cycle by helping clients gain awareness of shame and to assist in building shame resilience.
Have you ever had an appointment and the person you were meeting with was on their computer or phone and didn’t look up to greet you? This body language sends the signal that you may be interrupting or that you came to the wrong place. Body language can set the tone for an interaction. You can disrupt shame at the beginning of a meeting by greeting your clients with enthusiasm in the waiting room or at your door. When you welcome your client with warmth, your words and body language tell the service member or family member that you’re glad they are there. Remember that your goal is to create a safe environment that makes them want to come back. When you begin with warmth, this disarms the service member and tells them, “I came to the right place.” This feeling can leave a lasting impression that translates into a willingness to engage with other service providers.
Rapport Building
In part one of the shame blog series, we defined financial disengagement as an avoidance of financial information leading to counterproductive financial behaviors (e.g., missing payments, hiding money worries). If you have identified signs of financial disengagement with the service member, you may be able to move closer to it once you have established rapport. While finding out what their purpose or goal is for meeting with you is important, service providers can establish rapport by asking powerful questions, empathetically listening, and listening for strengths and values. When you identify and reflect back a client’s strengths, you are continuing the work of building shame resilience.
Approaching Shame Conversations
You can help service members gain awareness of shame and how it may be impacting their financial decisions and well-being. In addition to strength spotting, service providers can help military families use externalizing language about their financial hardships. Externalizing looks like, “this is something I have going on” rather than “this is who I am as a person.” This untangles the belief that their worth or value as a person is defined by their financial hardship.
Another way to explore financial shame is through the use of a spending diary. Ask service members to reflect on what thoughts, feelings, and emotions are present when making purchases or paying bills. Use a feelings wheel to identify the emotions experienced. Not only does this help the service member move closer to their financial decisions and emotions, but it creates a canvas for you and the service member to paint on together. Lastly, financial patterns that a service member may be struggling with might not be their own. Financial genograms may be used to explore intergenerational patterns of financial shame, financial disengagement, and financial hardship. If you’re working with a military couple, consider ways to engage meaningfully in conversations about money so that they can build their financial capability together.
Providing affirmative care to service members includes a responsibility to destigmatize their asking for help and to understand and disrupt the uncomfortable feelings that exacerbate financial hardship. Allowing shame a seat at the financial table creates an opportunity for military families and service providers to acknowledge, accept, and transform the role of shame by moving closer to it rather than avoiding it. Disrupting shame creates space for service members to lean in and take an active role in their financial well-being and readiness.
References
Goffnett, J., Liechty, J. M., & Kidder, E. (2020). Interventions to reduce shame: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, 30(2), 141–160. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbct.2020.03.001
Carelock, H., Hinds, D., Lewis, S., Hoffman, D., & Lurtz, M. (2022). Female breadwinners, money and shame: How financial planners can help. Journal of Financial Therapy, 13(2), 61–77. https://doi.org/10.4148/1944-9771.1314
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